Looking Back
It has been a long long while ever since I actually sit down, translating thoughts into words and putting them down across in this space. Frankly speaking, I have lost the ability to do so. Cluttered thoughts are bad, they made even the slightest things seem more messy. I used to spend some time for myself, going through all those questions and self doubts in my head, organising them and sorting them out in the best possible way I could. Contradictorily, I stop doing so since long time ago (twitter’s fault!). It actually becomes harder to clear mental clutter than before. To a certain point in time, I’m so used to leaving them aside and then forgetting the next morning when I wake up before they come back altogether again.
It is a tiring race against myself. I’m actually way behind that perfect self I’ve been looking up to. Stepping out of the comfort zone is tough, growing up is painful. As a matter of fact, no one can stay on that comfortable couch forever. I do know what I want, maybe too many things at a time and so I need to make a choice not choices. I’m contradicting myself every time I say I want to graduate as soon as possible, but not exactly cause I don’t want to make a choice or a mistake about my career even though I’m dying to venture out and try. It is tough to speak what’s in my mind, because words are pale and sometimes redundant. But I do need a break, my brain should stop going into overdrive.
Goodbye, I’m tired from trying to make this post work cause my grammar sucks and my choppy sentences look bad (what happens when you stop blogging for a long time).
Spectrum of Greys
How often do you look back? What makes you look back? Of all those lost time, have you once look back and start thinking why?
Heart Sank, So Deep.
Everybody in this world is quick to judge. Way too critical, way too malicious. When you are too busy chasing all of those pie-in-the-sky dreams from your mind, people dismiss you. It’s easier to slip into that comfortable routine of life, to fall onto that cushion you set nicely between reality and comfort zone, easy. That knowledge that hits me so hard, from a little added pressure to an already stressful pursuit. I’m not giving up, just a little bit disappointed tonight.
Set your expectations low, everything else is a bonus.
The Letter L
Romance isn’t a seasonal pursuit. The arrows of love can strike at any time, but that heart you got on may not necessary belongs to you forever. The good always end too soon, before you even realise all the things you have taken granted of. ‘The pen is mightier than the sword’, yet even the best use of words couldn’t describe how I feel. Maybe this quote that goes, If I could reach up and hold a star for every time you’ve made me smile, the entire evening sky would be in the palm of my hand. It’s not being in love that makes me happy, it’s being in love with you that makes me happy.
Invested
Learn your way around emptiness. Make a map out of it, sit with it and try to think of what you can do for the day.
Regrets Cut Two Ways
How many more excuses can you give yourself? How many more times can you withstand allowing uncertainty to be way ahead? I don’t pin the highest hope, I just don’t want any disappointing faces. This is coming real, but I’m caught still trying to figure. I have invested the time, rebuilt this self confidence, carefully watched my mistakes as the dates drew nearer. I didn’t let my guard down. Sleep on it, sleep over it. Please let this ends tonight.
Comfort Zone
Companionship is a bonus, we are essentially alone. Keep that in mind and never take that for granted.
Reciprocation – Interchangeability, In Return
‘I have always, essentially, been waiting. Waiting to become something else, waiting to be that person I always thought I was on the verge of becoming, waiting for that life I thought I would have. In my head, I was always one step away. In high school, I was biding my time until I could become the college version of myself, the one my mind could see so clearly. In college, the post-college “adult” person was always looming in front of me, smarter, stronger, more organized. Then the married person, then the person I’d become when we have kids. For twenty years, literally, I have waited to become the thin version of myself, because that’s when life will really begin.’
Suddenly, solitude scares me. The absence of human activity, where fear the mind-killer eats into your thinking cells. I didn’t get what I wanted, and I’m still waiting. It doesn’t matter, but having a little more faith when you are absolutely sure of the causes isn’t easy.
Grow In
I don’t mind it, I don’t mind at all
It’s like you’re the swing set, and I’m the kid that falls
It’s like the way we fight, the times I’ve cried
We come to blows and every night
The passion’s there, so it’s got to be right, right?
No, I don’t believe you
When you say don’t come around here no more
I won’t remind you
You said we wouldn’t be apart
No, I don’t believe you
When you say you don’t need me anymore
So don’t pretend to
Not love me at all
I don’t mind it, I still don’t mind at all
It’s like one of those bad dreams when you can’t wake up
Looks like you’ve given up, you’ve had enough
But I want more, no, I wont’ stop
‘Cause I just know you’ll come around, right?
I don’t believe you – Pink
Beautiful song.
leave a comment